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A Doorway thru the Walls
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Below are the 11 most recent journal entries recorded in Cathy's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, August 16th, 2005
10:37 pm
It's been awhile
Its been awhile since I last posted. Not a lot going on, my FMS reared its ugly head and kept me in pain for a week or so. I managed to lose 3 more pounds (not sure how since I was not a good girl)

I can not journal in a physical book, no way no how. I do ok for a couple of days and then I have to tear out the pages. The thought of someone reading my journal just bugs me too much. This on I don't seem to mind, I think its because I haven't and don't plan on telling anyone my sign-on name and if someone stumbles in here by mistake no harm no foul. Cammie has me trying to use a couple of on-line programs to log my cals and steps so far that seems to be working. If I journal those for 5 days this week I am suppose to treat myself to something nice. Maybe a massage or pedicure. HMMM

Wayne and I had our 22nd anniversary on the 6th. I took his wedding ring and his star rings in to have them fixed and sized. He wanted me to have my wedding ring resized but I said no. I don't wear gold jewelry so I would never wear it ( I haven't worn it in at least 20 years) With that said he bought me a white gold band to wear so I guess its a good compromise. We should get the rings back this week.

I have been cleaning my sewing room up and what a mess. Wayne is getting rid of the pool table and I jokingly said "I will just move all my sewing stuff in the family room then" and low and behold he said "sure why not you need the room" so I guess I will be rearranging the entire downstairs but it will be nice when its done. New carpet (no more nasty shag!!!) bye bye elk, deer, cow horns and rug. It may be the last thing I do but this house will le nicer.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Sunday, July 24th, 2005
9:23 pm
Update on Cathy's World
Well first off Mom choose NOT to butt in to our trip to the hot springs. YEAH! I was dreading it so much. Instead Nancy, Tammy and I had a really good time. There was a mix up with our massage appt but we got it worked out ok.

The BBQ for Tammy and Dennis went off fine too. It got a little windy but that just helped keep things cool. I still think he is a total waste of space but I'm not married to him. I just hope he gets a job and keeps working. Growing up would be nice too.

I can't believe Sandy and Mary, they put "Mary and Burt do not want any presents but if you would like to contribute to their vacation fund" OMG how tacky can you get. It is embarrassing to be connected to this mess. Sandy also have the RSVPs going to Mary, we are throwing the party NOT Mary and we need to know how many of the almost 300 people Mary invited are coming. I will be so glad when this whole thing is over.

Nan, Tam and I kind of talked about the problems we all have with weight loss and it got me thinking about the emotional eating part of the problem. All of our lives it was "Good girls don't ____ " we weren't allowed to cry, yell or express any emotion, no wonder we are fucked up. Tomorrow I am starting the new food journal including writing down whats going on with me when I am eating. I know there is going to be a lot of pain that comes up. If I can't eat when I am mad, sad, angry, etc what am I going to do?
Camie said I would have to work thru some of the pain I have but its scary. I just have to keep thinking about what Shirley said "you can't fix what you're eating until you know whats eating you"

Heres to a new day!

Current Mood: content
Thursday, July 21st, 2005
11:16 pm
She strikes again
Tomorrow was going to be a great day, just Tammy, Nancy and me. The Sisters Three. But noooo Mom has decided to join us. What was going to be a stress free day is now going to be filled with putting up with her shit and her damn smoking too. And of course if Granny Ree is going Quintin wants to go too. Don't I get a day off sometimes? I am so pissed off I can't see straight. I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO THE HOT SPRINGS tomorrow. I want to do Luciles and buy some tea and go to the tea factory and just have a quiet day. I was planning on going to ET ritual tomorrow night too, the three of us have never been in circle together and tomorrow would have be a good time. SHIT FUCK and DAMN. It is amazing how she always manages to twist a good thing into something awful.

Current Mood: pissed off
Wednesday, July 20th, 2005
1:34 am
I feel like shit tonight. I haven't really slept since we got home from vacation. I have totally fucked up on my diet and I'm dreading going in to see Camie tomorrow. I think if I start crying I will never stop.

Tammy is in town for the week and Dennis got home today too. Saturday we are having a party for welcome him back and to enjoy Tammy being home.

I have to get some sleep, I am so out of syncwith everything. I feel like my teeth are on edge and ohh so out of sorts.

This is an awful post but I just needed to vent a bit I guess.

Current Mood: And shitty
Tuesday, July 12th, 2005
10:31 pm
Back again
I'm back, not that anyone missed me.

The trip was great (or should I say Grand) It totally wore me out but I knew that it would.

It is funny I had always thought that the Grand Canyon was out in the middle of a barren landscape but nope its surrounded by old growth forest. It sort of messed with my mind a bit since all my pre-conceived notions got blown away.

We stayed at a campground near Blanding Utah that was way out of the way and very quiet. We swam in a little lake there and had it all to ourselves. As we were getting ready to leave a lady her husband and their dog drove up, we spoke a few minutes and then as I was walking to the truck she wished me a happy Solstice. WOW I was wearing only my bathing suit and Wayne's truck doesn't have any stickers that would identify me as pagan so how did she know. And how did she know that I so needed to hear that, Wayne was being somewhat supportive(he offered to buy me mead and honey) but still it was great to have someone acknowledge it.

I liked the Valley of the Gods more than the canyons and the waterfall at Bryce Canyon was my favorite. I walked under the waterfall and felt so relaxed and refreshed that its hard to describe.

Some how, I haven't a clue how but I managed to loss 2.5 more pounds. WEEEE. only about a thousand to go.

My weight loss counselor now wants me to try swimming laps and/or try curves. I have to see what I can do with out hurting. I haven't swam laps in years, I know I can't do 6 miles a week anymore but I will give it a shot. I know curves will let you try it for a week free, so I have to go and find out if it triggers the FMS to much.

Wayne started his new job, it will be a few weeks till the dust settles but I truly hope it makes him happy.

Current Mood: melancholy
10:29 pm
moon card
The Moon Card
You are the Moon card. Entering the Moon we enter
the intuitive and psychic realms. This is the
stuff dreams are made on. And like dreams the
imagery we find here may inspire us or torment
us. Understanding the moon requires looking
within. Our own bodily rhythms are echoed in
this luminary that circles the earth every
month and reflects the sun in its progress.
Listening to those rhythms may produce visions
and lead you towards insight. The Moon is a
force that has legends attached to it. It
carries with it both romance and insanity.
Moonlight reveals itself as an illusion and it
is only those willing to work with the force of
dreams that are able to withstand this
reflective light. Image from: Stevee Postman.

Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Current Mood: drained
9:54 pm
Stone Key
stone key
You are a stone key, and you unlock old and magical
secrets. What you have to offer is powerful and
difficult for many to understand, but
invaluable to the few who can truly grasp it.
Give the things you have carefully and
wisely, because not everyone will use them for

What sort of key are you and what do you unlock?
brought to you by Quizilla

Current Mood: sad
Thursday, June 9th, 2005
10:24 pm
Off course again of course
Well I went majorly off course the past 7 days. I was doing fine and then BAM! life hit me with a 2x4. Wayne was offered a new job and after 4 days of complete stressing he is going to make the change. They offered him 13,000 more a year than he is making now. The hours are still not great but at least they're not 4 on 4 off. He will be working 2-10:30 Mon - Fri and every 5th Saturday. They are giving him his 3 weeks of leave a year right off the bat and he thinks the stress level will be better. At MHC he is fairly well topped out on pay but the new company he can still increase his pay. More oppertunity.

I have discovered that every time Wayne has his 4 days off, I get off track. My schedule gets blown to bits and I end up eating and drinking what I shouldn't and then feeling guilty. It hasn't helped that Quintin is out of school for the summer too, he throws me a curve sometimes too. Not as bad as his dad but still enough to get me messed up. Tomorrow I MUST get back on track, I have to walk and eat correctly. Goddess help me stay on the wellness path.

Current Mood: and mad at myself
Thursday, June 2nd, 2005
10:47 pm
Quiet Day
Today was a very quiet day all in all. I had to pull money out of the credit union to cover the checking account since Wayne doesn't get paid til the 10th. I hated to do it but it is my fault we are short, I shouldn't have taken extra money when we went to Blackhawk and then I should have waited to buy the fabric for my dad's quilt.

I tried to find the big off-leash dog park but never did find it. I took the dogs on a little stroll near Stanely lake but I got too tired really fast. Only got in 5190 steps today. Not bad by any means but I have been shooting for 6000 or more.

Stayed within the cal count today but forgot to take my pills this morning AGAIN.

I read two books today both mysteries Quillian Inn I think is the name of where the books are set. Not bad but I read them too quickly.

I am feeling overly tired today, I hope I am not heading for another flare up. Tomorrow I plan on cleaning the living room and finishing up the kitchen.

Rose and Caitlyn are coming over Sunday so I can measure them and go fabric shopping for their gowns and capes. Rose wants me to make a Jedi robe too. I think I can find a pattern for that easily enough.

I have a few watchers following my auctions but so far no bids.

Blessings and Love

Current Mood: and just off center
Wednesday, June 1st, 2005
10:50 pm
Back Sliding
Today started out OK, I was tired and didn't want to get up but I still managed to get up on time. I ate breakfast. That seems like a no brainer but for me it's a big deal. I am a really bad meal skipper. Cammie, my weight loss counselor wants me to eat breakfast EVERY day, my body is just so use to not eating that I have to force myself every morning. I put some stuff up on EBay today and didn't eat my mid-morning snack. Then I talked to a friend and we talked in part about some family issues that have really been weighing on me. She told me that I wasn't a bad person for pulling back from the family some, and that it was OK for me to keep some of my energy for myself. It was good to hear that but still it was hard to talk about how sad, hurt and pissed off I feel. This set me up big-time to over eat. I ending up going to Wendys where although I ordered a salad with my burger they put both the salad and fries in my bag. Of course I didn't have the will power to resist those fries. I saved the salad for dinner and still ended up 310 cal over my limit for the day. SHIT! I know I am not suppose to judge when I back slide but its hard not to. I have kicked my self over and over all day.

It seems to be a pattern in my life, I know I shouldn't eat that, spend that, wish that but I do them anyway and then beat myself up over it later. I think this is going to be one of the hardest battles I have to fight. I know there is no magic pill I can take that will help change me but I also know that with the help of the Goddess I will get to where I want to be. It seems like it will take forever for me to reach my goals but I will hold on.

Blessings of the Day

Current Mood: disappointed
Tuesday, May 31st, 2005
11:43 pm
Here I go
Here I go starting what hopefully will be a regular thing. I used to journal everyday from the time I was about 7 or 8 until I was 16. Thats when I found out my mother had been reading my journals. I stacked all of my journals (2 or 3 per year) in the middle of the back yard and had a bonfire. Since then I have started to write in a hundred or more journals, after a day or two I start worrying about someone reading them and end up tearing out the pages and putting the book away.

So why journal on-line where anyone can read it? I hope that by knowing what I write can be read, I will be able to write without the worry. Kind of the evil you know is better than the evil you don't know about. I may still post some private entries but for the most part this will be public. A lot of this journal will no doubt be about my current efforts to lose weight. Its becoming clear to me that a lot of my eating is from stress, frustration, or boredom.

For now I guess this is enough, its nearly midnight and I am tired. Tomorrow is another day.

Love, Light and Laughter

Current Mood: tired
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